Disclaimer: This was written about two weeks ago. I’m not behind the times—I am simply very busy and am not to be bothered. 

Hold on

Let’s get this shit

Let’s get this shit

Let’s get this shit

Top of the mornin’

Top of the mornin’

Top of the mornin’

Top of the mornin’

Top of the mornin’

Top of the mornin’

Top of the mornin’

Hold on

Let’s get this shit

Let’s get this shit

Let’s get this shit

Let’s, hmm

I hear the murmurs. I’ve read my messages. I know. The people are hungry, and I’m the lunch lady. A real kitchen witch, if you will. Anyway, I don’t have quite enough time to get a full stack out, but I do have enough time (barely!) to voice my opinion on some chunes. This one goes out to all the baby-back B-words that can’t handle a full length stack (myself included). I hope you’re hungry.

Heavy Hitters

My editor (sup girl!) tells me that the Real Hot Ones schtick is “lame” but “pulled off in such a way that it’s funny.” It seems to have been a bit of laughing at me and not laughing with me which somehow transformed into both laughing at me and with me, which I can’t really comprehend. It’s cool, though. I can take the heat, but not for too long. This time around, though, I’ve got even more Hot Ones, which I will be referring to as “Heavy Hitters” from here on out. I know—it’s a truly inspired name, but then again, I’m a truly inspirational guy. 

Talk is cheap. Let’s get this shit.

The Melodic Blue by Baby Keem

Given that this is by far the youngest substack in your inbox, it only makes sense that Baby Keem, the youngest rapper of all time, gets a little bit of coverage. However, his age is a bit confusing. How does a baby know so many bad words? How does a baby get so horny? How does a baby have so many flows? How did a baby have at least a hand in producing every single song on this record (even producing two songs by himself)? How does a baby sound like he’s having this much fun? Well, I can only answer the last question, and it’s a simple answer: babies can be and do whatever they want! But maybe they shouldn’t. If anything, The Melodic Blue shows that Baby Keem still has a lot of growing to do. Keem’s randomness and volatility are what make him tantalizing as a rap prospect, but sometimes, especially on “south africa” and “cocoa,” he just blends in with the rest of the crowd. What’s more, he often says some downright foul things (see lines like “Allah, Allah, Shabba Rank, we be fuckin’ til it stank” or “I’m tired of the boogers, these big protein boogers, get that weak shit out of my face.” HUH?).

Then again, Baby Keem is only a baby, so maybe I should go easy on him. In time, he’ll grow into the rapper that we all know he can be. When The Melodic Blue is sophomoric and color-by-number, it can be hard to listen to, but when it’s good, which it often is, it’s really good. (That said, if the next release sounds like this, there will be problems.)

Baby Gangster, Vol. 2 by Top$ide and T.Y.

Top$ide is so fucking good, man. He assembles the most perfectly funky and hypnotizing beats in a Detroit scene that’s bursting at the seams with funky, hypnotizing beats. His instrumentals are the off-kilter yin to the rappers of the scene’s laconic-yet-menacing yang, working together in perfect harmony to make nothing but knockers. It would be rude if Top$ide didn’t spread the wealth across the country, so he first decided to gift Rochester, New York’s weirdo freak RX Papi with the beats he needed to realize his true potential, and now he has moved onto T.Y. of Curren$y’s Jet Life fame.

Everything goes off as expected: Top$ide goes absolutely stupid on the boards, and T.Y. largely does his thing on the mic, especially on “TRAPPIN ALL WINTER.'“ Truth be told, though, T.Y. could do just about anything on these beats and it would sound immaculate. Hell, I could probably write a sixteen or two and Top$ide would make me sound like a teenaged struggle rapper who thinks he’s on the come-up (high praise to a guy like me). T.Y. is not a bad rapper by any stretch of the word, but he could be a better, more interesting rapper. In the end, though, it doesn’t matter—anything Top$ide puts out is good, and this collab with T.Y. is no exception.

All Roads Lead to the Gun II by Militarie Gun

This entire EP is like midwest emo, but for grown-ups. It’s not about suburban angst, nor is it about teenage heartbreak. Instead, Militarie Gun tackles grown topics like self-improvement and the eternal struggle between passion and livelihood. It’s real good!

“Big Bite” by Angel Du$t

When Baltimore’s Angel Du$t dropped this track, they gave strict instructions to play it at a very high volume. Being the rule-following rule follower that I am, I complied, and I’m so glad I did. This shit rocks. I mean, what else do you expect from a band fronted by the legendary Justice Tripp of Trapped Under Ice that also features several members from Turnstile? That’s right. You expect nothing but the best. And oddly enough, this track has some hardcore flavor (perfect for the youngsters) sprinkled over a classic rock backbone (practically made for the oldtimers). Maybe that last bit disqualifies it from being included in this very infantile, jejune newsletter, but I don’t care.

“Top Picks for You” by Injury Reserve

I don’t really like sad songs. Of course, I can appreciate them and will listen to them, but I don’t seek them out. And I definitely don’t listen to them on repeat. This song, “Top Picks for You,” is different, though. It's a comforting kind of sad. Injury Reserve’s Ritchie with a T and Parker Corey work in tandem as they deal with the devastating death of Stepa J. Groggs, realizing that their dear friend and bandmate will live on forever through his digital footprint. “Top Picks for You” might sound a little industrial, a little weird, but it hits deep. It’s hitting me deep as I write this. Good.

Standout bar: “Your patterns are still in place and your algorithm is still in action / Just workin’ so that you can just, jump right back in / But you ain’t jumpin’ back / Here just run it back”

“Porcelain Slightly” by Lil Ugly Mane

This song is not on streaming*. It’s a goddamn shame. A sharp left-turn from the Memphis-adjacent Mista Thug Isolation, Lil Ugly Mane is now leaning directly into the shoegaze/hypnagogic pop (hate this phrase, but it works here) lane, and he is absolutely killing it! Throw the man a couple bones on Bandcamp. It’s good!

*It is on streaming now, but I will not be amending a damn thing.

“All Over” by RP Boo

The nerve. The audacity. The cajones. How the fuck does RP Boo, Chicago Footwork legend and pioneer, think of flipping Phil Collins’s “I Don’t Care Anymore” into this? I’ll tell you: he’s the best. That’s how. Get it through your thick skull. So good.

Quick Hitters

I’ve got more I want to cover, but I’m feeling like I don’t have the time to provide any deep insight into each song, so I’m going to blast through some recent smashes.

“Hive Mind” by Tirzah featuring Coby Sey

Pretty good! Fatass bass!

“Gët Busy” by Yeat

If I were still in high school, really good, but now, it’s just pretty good.

“Maggot” by Amyl and the Sniffers

Gross and icky!

“Found” by Tems featuring Brent Faiyaz

So good.

“Sometimes” by Lance Skiiiwalker

Really really really good, but sometimes it doesn’t feel like I’m listening to a song at all, just the vibrations of the Kosmos proliferating though Lance’s ethereal voice and deliriously skronked-out beats.

“Make a Dime” by Webbed Wing

So fucking 90s. Undeniable track.

“Can’t Do This Alone” by Wiki and Navy Blue

Wiki don’t miss. Navy Blue don’t miss. This song, naturally, don’t miss. Good.

Homie Art Corner

Shouts out to the chill boys for doing what they do best—be boys and chill. chill boys are five chill boys, and all they know how to do is chill and make enjoyable tracks. These songs fucking rule, these boys are fucking chill, and I need to put the people on! They’re too much fun!

Chill Boys Fan Club

PS I’ve created an Apple Music playlist compiling most* of the songs featured in this stack. It will be updated frequently. (I’ve also created a Spotify playlist for all the subhumans out there who refuse to see the light. May you soon see the errors of your ways.)

Apple Music Playlist

(Whoever at Substack made it so that I can’t embed this Apple Music playlist, your mom’s a hoe.)

*Couldn’t bring myself to add “Top Picks for You.” Way too sad, so I added 454’s standout track “ANDRETTI” in its place. Song is a bit old at this point, but it is insane. More on that later 👀