Summer's Next Big Thing
How can we expand on the success of the "Beijing bikini"?
REQUIRED LISTENING
Twenty-one choice cuts to propel your sorry asses through the rest of summer!
Apple Music
YouTube
At the time of writing this (not today…), it is a balmy 92 degrees Fahrenheit with humidity hovering around 70% saturation, and it’s still not even noon. It was the same story two days ago, and it’ll continue to be the same story until what might as well be the end of time itself. Not to complain, but that’s twisted!
For a lot of people, this is pretty hot. For guys like me — long, not-so-tanned, handsome enough — this is pretty fucking hot! The moment that I step outside, I have about five minutes before I sweat through my shirt, ten before there’s a spoor of sweat pooled beneath my feet, and twenty before my pants have become ombre, the waist darkened with perspiration, slowly transitioning to dryness at the bright, crisp hems. Shit, it was so hot one day that I sweat through my nylon belt! (Shouts to Mr. R3 of himself, though, for making a belt that can stand up to the elements.)
What’s a guy supposed to do to keep cool when it’s like this outside? After my recent stint out of doors, I remembered a tweet that I’d seen a few years ago that put me onto the idea of the “Beijing bikini.”
Even if you don’t understand it, it’s still incredible and ingenious in many ways — especially when it comes to looking cool while keeping cool — but let me break it down. For decades and decades, when the summer heat hits China’s urban areas, turning the cityscapes into heat sinks, men bundle, bunch, fold, and scrunch their shirts (undershirts included) and air their shit out. If I’m reading the usage efficiency charts correctly, having a gut, beer belly or otherwise, is optimal to pull off this look, especially over an extended period, but it certainly is not necessary.
The Beijing bikini works because, according to traditional Chinese medicine, a body’s qi — its vital force — must be able to flow without being impeded. When it is unbearably hot, tension and strong emotions can build within the body, meaning that qi is not flowing freely, throwing a body out of balance. Doing things like sitting in cool, air-conditioned rooms and swimming in a nearby body of water can quickly balance a body and restore the flow of qi, but these conveniences are few and far between in megalopolises. As such, the Beijing bikini allows for the vital organs of the body, finally free from their fabric prison, to remain cool, thus keeping qi flowing and the body in balance.
Regardless of the efficiency and balancing of qi, the Beijing bikini just looks cool. Imagine walking down the street when it’s over 100 degrees and violently humid, looking for respite any way you can get it, only to realize that every man around you has raised their shirt in some way to reveal their midsection, languishing in the peace that it gives them. That sounds incredible, and after experimenting with it for the first time the other day, that shit really is incredible.
For some reason, though, Chinese authorities have decided that the Beijing bikini deviates from what they believe to be civilized and is far from the “respectable and modest” style of dress that they expect. For years now, they have been trying to quell the practice, though their attempts to stymie this warm-weather sartorial decision have yet to be successful. Thank god for that. The Beijing bikini is no worse than strutting around with a sweaty shirt shrink-wrapped to your body. In fact, it’s probably better — the shirt is neatly tucked away and the body is cooler thus producing less sweat to be, well, sweat.
Thanks to pieces from The New York Times, The Washington Post, CNN, The Guardian, and now yours truly, the Beijing bikini has proven to be a massive hit! That said, I am looking to the future, lawful and modest as it appears to be, so I’ve cobbled together a few forward-thinking alternatives that might just change the game when it comes to both stunting and beating the summertime heat.
Let it be known that I tried and tried and tried to find an image for each alternative, but candid photos of men with their shirts worn in unorthodox ways is very hard to find (for me at least)! In most cases, it was easiest to roll with stock images. Forgive me.
The Summer Scarf
The summer scarf isn’t anything new, but I don’t see heads rocking it nearly enough. It works like this: when a man is doing some sort of work outdoors and is starting perspire, he removes his limbs and torso from the shirt, leaving the shirt worn solely around the neck. This way, the sweat from his frontside, underarms, and backside will not saturate the shirt with sweat while also remaining accessible should he need to put the shirt on with haste.
Ideal utilization: mowing the lawn; building crap; landscaping; chilling with the guys; walking down the street on a sweltering day to grab a beverage; hanging outside of the store and enjoying a beverage with the guys after walking there from up the street.
The Brooklyn Bikini
Thank you to my dear friend Ellie, environmental reporter extraordinaire and Interlochen Public Radio wizkid, for this one — nuff inspiration, nuff respect! As such, I'm letting her take the lead on this one. Peep game:
Ellie: My dad’s been repping the Brooklyn bikini for as long as I can remember.
NOTS: [Is it the] same premise [as the Beijing bikini]?
Ellie: It’s a little less heinous. [The Brooklyn Bikini is] more so just putting your hand on your belly and holding your shirt up to expose it while standing there.
You heard it here first! Real BKers (transplants, seek other options) have been on this tip since they were young, busting it out during their long, steamy summers spent slinging knishes and ice-pops on Coney Island Beach. And that’s a beautiful image, at least in my mind’s eye.
Ideal utilization: walking the shoreline; avoiding hazardous debris while walking the shoreline; selling sundries to sun-tanners; chilling with the guys; cracking open a fire hydrant; hanging next to a cracked fire hydrant and enjoying a beverage with the guys
The Rodeo Romper
Given that the NOTS faithful is largely comprised of young-ish city boys, I’m going to describe this very carefully. The rodeo romper is restricted to rural areas where the only pastime outside of work and home-building is strapping on their finest pearl snap shirt and attending the nearest small-time rodeo. It is most often executed on the “rowdy” side of the arena (the zone in which the drunks and reprobates are sent to burn in the sun while the “civies” enjoy a hood of protective shade in the form of a bleacher awning). When the going gets tough, the rowdies reach to their pearl snaps, starched straight and tucked tight, and pull one, two, or maybe three snaps apart in order to both ventilate the body and redden the small bit of skin that is graced by the sun but a few times each year. Given that the shirt is tucked all the way in, the practitioners of the rodeo romper appear to be wearing just that: a romper at the rodeo. A man needs to stay cool just as much as he needs to look the part, even when he’s several Coors Light tall cans deep!
Ideal utilization: going to the rodeo; getting absurd tan lines; cowboy cosplaying; chilling with the guys; watching the barrel races and wondering when it’ll be over; meeting the guys at the rodeo and drinking a group total of forty 24 ounce Coors Lights tallboys while getting absurd tan lines.
The Towel
Gentlemen and ladies — this is the pinnacle in keeping cool in the summertime, especially if you’re a middle-aged man or are rapidly approaching middle-aged manhood. No “clever” names necessary this time. We’ve all seen it, and we’ve all questioned its efficacy. But we’ve never been brave enough to try it. If you’ve been looking for invitation to try something new, consider this to be it. The Towel — preferably crispy and white, hand-sized — is not only used to wipe the sweat from brow, neck, or otherwise, but it can also be used to shield brow, neck, or otherwise from the sun. Plus, it’s one of the illest looks to be pulled in the history of pulling off looks. Young-ish people, let’s take what’s rightfully ours and unabashedly rock The Towel this summer. We will not regret it. Just don’t get caught rocking it while you’re chopping it up with a co-ed.
Ideal utilization: doing your thing regardless; getting absurd tan lines; hitting a baseball game; standing outside on the sidewalk or next to garage, depending on where you live; chilling with the guys; running errands with a cold, SFW drink in your hand; standing outside on the sidewalk or next to garage with the guys while tapping into some NSFW drink and/or smoke.
I’m out.
No mention of the T-shirt ninja mask is criminal