Sorry for the Wait Part Two

The real stack is just taking Her time

Per usual, I am not very good at planning. The NINTH edition of No Oldtimers is indeed on the way, but something has come up. You already know that I’ve got some shit to say. Think of this as the quiet that comes before the storm. It might be unknown and scary, but it pales in comparison to what's to come. So sit down, shut up, and let me put you on game once again.

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Sweet or Beat: Met Gala Threads

The premise of the Met Gala is the same as it once was: gather all of the biggest names in the kingdom, dress them in silly little outfits, and then parade them in front of the masses. It’s showy, it’s ostentatious, and it just plain doesn’t feel right! 

And yet, it is perfect. For the slovenly clod of earthly beings, there’s something exciting about the Met Gala. Anna Wintour comes up with some convoluted and cockamamey idea, and teams of designers and stylists scramble to craft the most insane outfits ever dreamt of for their designated celebrity muses. I guess it’s all in good, consumerist fun.

This year, Wintour decided that the Gala’s theme would be “Sleeping Beauties: Reawakening Fashion,” with all participants festooned within the constraints of “The Garden of Time” code of dress, whatever that fucking means. Before I saw any of the looks, I imagined that everyone would look like a spritely and boscaged version of a tree. Not an oak or an elm or a hickory, though. Rather, these professional dress-up dolls are like the quaking aspen: beautifully frail and with skin that can be readily peeled for kindling.

As ever, I am taking it upon myself to rate these celebrity fits using a binary scale. In 2022, I used the “Pump or Dump” method. It was glorious, and, try as I might, it will never be topped. In 2023’s failed edition, I wanted to use “Scud or Scrub,” but something ethereal and effervescent above me told me to put it on hold. I’m glad I did. That scale sucked, and it didn’t even make sense. In the Grammys 2K23 version, I employed the “Jacking or Whacking” method, which was good, but it wasn’t great.

I can do better. I will do better. I’m about to do better. This year, in honor of the return of No Oldtimers’s Met Gala coverage, I will decide whether each celebrity’s look is Sweet or Beat. I’m feeling this one! If I like the fit, I will announce to the void that it is sweet. If I find the fit abhorrent and utterly disgusting, I will deem it beat. Whether the outfit matches this year’s theme is moot because, as always, I’m having fun with this shit! And they should be, too.

If you disagree with my designation, that’s fine, but just know, I never duck smoke. If you come after me, you already know that I’m going to take it on the chin and then look you right in the eye. When I do, you better immediately rethink your actions because I’ll air this mf out on a moment’s notice. 

So, without further ado, let’s get in there and show everyone who the real fashionisto around these parts is.

Ben Simmons

Beat. Enough of this fucking guy. I hate him! He tricked the world into thinking he’s a hooper, and now he just plays video games and blows cash. Actually, that doesn’t sound like a bad way to live…

Regardless of my respect for his new lifestyle, between the partially knit, mostly polyester rare-miss from Thom Browne and the timelord-ass briefcase, Benny just doesn’t look that cool.

Matter of fact, fuck this dude. His look isn’t even funny! I just know that he stepped out and thought to himself, “DAMN, I really did something this time.” Shuuuuuutttttt up, man. Fucking sweat. Leave the little outfits to the real dressers and re-learn how to shoot a damn basketball!

Emma Chamberlain

Sweet. Emma Chamberlain has proclaimed that with every Met Gala she attends, she  grows more confident in her style. The hell does she mean! She doesn’t do anything other than wear the clothes! Her team, however, went crazy and proved that my assumptions about the “sleeping beauty” theme were correct. In this Jean Paul Gaultier dress and, per her hairstylist, a “loose bun,” Ms. Chamberlain looks like a woodland imp who just finished toying with an iron-clad knight. I am frightened by the end product, but, at the end of the day, it ain’t bad!

Usher

Beat. This guy needs to go home and never make a public appearance again. What a fucking freak. This was supposed to be a fun, highbrow event, not a cosplay convention. Get a grip.

Lil Nas X

Beat. He looks like a damn walking tablecloth.

Jenny Freshwater

Beat. I mean, who IS this??? In all honesty, she really does look quite nice, like a mother at her daughter’s middle school dance recital. That said, this is the Met fucking Gala! It’s not about respecting yourself and looking nice; it’s about causing a scene and acting a fool. 

*J Note: After a quick search, I’ve discovered that Jenny Freshwater is the head of AmAzoN FaSHiOn. I mean everything I said tenfold.

Leon Bridges

Beat. Unfortunately, I think Bridges’s invitation to the Met Gala was lost in the mail because I’m pretty sure that he dresses like this every day and was told that he was required to make last-minute appearance. 

Ariana Grande

Beat. I’ve had it up to here with this waif. The moment she hopped on the cast of Broadway’s Wicked, where she immediately began dating literal SpongeBob SquarePants (both on the stage and off), she was bunk. She’s still bunk, if not even more so. And this look from Loewe is bunk, too. Theater kids, man. Hornier and less ashamed than ever.

Hugh Jackman

Sweet. This guy and his team clearly didn’t care for the theme of the 2024 Met Gala whatsoever, and in a way, it did him a lot of favors. Hugh was able to enjoy the party and didn’t even have to debase himself in the process. Plus, he makes this recycled-from-previous-Galas Tom Ford tuxedo look real nice.

Sebastian Stan

Beat. I said that I was sick of Ben Simmons. I lied. I’m sick of this fucking dude, man. He has a weird voice, bad swag, and just looks like he’s mean. The “bad boy” swag ain’t doing nothing for him. The loose fit makes him appear shrimpy, and the clothes just aren’t all that, even if they are Valentino. Plus, the shirt looks like it was purchased from the Walmart-acquired Justice, may it rest in peace. Enough is enough. 

Demi Moore

Sweet. Damn! Is Demi really built like this?? I know the scrum sounded like a dog pound, but don’t be fooled: it’s just artificial saddlebags from Harris Reed. I don’t know how to feel about this one, but, rather than continue to be a hater, I’ll say that Moore’s frock is nuts. For real, though. It is insane. Moore’s gown is made out of wallpaper and took over ten thousand hours to craft. Surely Reed, the designer, had something better to do than this.

Paloma Elsesser

Beat. The fact that H&M convinced a model of Paloma Elsesser’s prestige speaks volumes about the power of a dollar. Also, I find this whole look quite strange. Why would she rock with a mismatched metal half-cast of herself and such a bland, fitted sheet-like skirt? Very troubling.

Andrew Bolton and Thom Browne

Sweet. IT’S ALMOST AS IF YOU UNGRATEFUL FUCKS FORGOT WHO THE KING OF THIS MENSWEAR SHIT IS. Quit playing with me. You already know who designed this crap. Nobody, and I mean nobody other than Thom Browne himself, does it like this.

Emma Wall and Jeremy Strong

Sweet. It’ll never not be funny that Jeremy Strong is always invited to this thing. He never looks like he’s having fun, and he never looks like he wants to wear what he’s wearing. I respect that. That said, he and his wife look good in their Loro Piana and matching earrings, but I know that they’d look even better if they were dressed to the nines in HOMER, especially with the heinous Richard Mille watch that J-Dog is wearing. But that’s just me.

Hannah Bagshawe and Eddie Redmayne

Beat. They say that marriage fuses two bodies into one, but this is questionable. Swaglessly questionable.

Grace and Wendi Murdoch

Beat. Who the hell invited this disgraced daughter-mother combo! Too much garden party and not enough straight-up garden. Seriously, what the hell is the former wife of Rupert Murdoch doing here??

Will Welch

Sweet. As much as I loathe this tasteless GQ motherfucker, he looks absolutely massive in a tuxedo from noted hard-clothes kingpin Evan Kinori! Dense. Girthy. Tall. Dirtball looking ass. Enormous. Love it. Need it. The chain is a nice touch, too. 

Dua Lipa

Beat. I know she’s cute or whatever, but what in the hell is she wearing? A weird version of an old timey tuxedo bottom combined with a toilet seat? 

Charli XCX

Beat. Marni or not, Charli bit the hell out of The Corpse Bride with this dress. Kidding! I’m no nerd. This crap rules. Sweet.

Adrien Brody and Georgina Chapman

Beat. Adrien Brody is on the wrong side of 50, and he’s decided to dye his hair for the Met Gala? Weird. That said, I like how high his Margiela tuxedo creeps up on him. I’m torn, but I’ll stand my ground.

Jeff Goldblum

Beat. Fuck this dude, too. He would outwardly display the fact that he has two pairs of glasses with him at all times. Go to hell.

Ugbad Abdi

Sweet. A touch difficult to comprehend for a guy like me, though.

Jack McCollough and Lazaro Hernandez

Sweet. Excellent outfit interplay between these Proenza Schouler designers! McCollough, tight and disheveled, is the perfect foil to the starched and loose Hernandez, both presumably dressed in their own designs. Bravo, especially to Hernandez.

Reverend Al Sharpton

Sweet. I must shake the hand of whoever invited the Good Reverend. This was an inspired decision.

Chase Stokes and Kelsea Ballerini

LMFAO.

Hamish Bowles

Sweet. Rocking the designer and intentionally looking like Yubaba from Spirited Away is crazy. Great choice in both tie and headwear as well.

Lana del Rey

Sweet. GREAT boscage on this meta-referential Alexander McQueen dress! Strange choice of footwear (not pictured), but, because she fits the theme so well, I’ll let it slide.

Ed Sheeran

Sweet. FORGET what I said about everyone else. They all look like shit. Eddie has the best fit, clearly inspired by The Wedding Singer. Bravo to Stella McCartney. This is incredible. Pack it up. We’re going home. Jesus.

NOTS XI IS ON THE WAY——IT’LL ALL BE WORTH IT AT THE END

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