Sorry for the Wait
The real No Oldtimers is on the way, but to tide you over, I’ve decided to whip together a little something-something. Don’t think of it as an appetizer, though. This shit is, no doubt, going to be a full-blown work of art, so think of it like the short film before a Pixar movie but not for babies.
Pump and Dump: Met Gala Swag
The premise of the Met Gala is simple: herd together all the tactless celebrities and put their stylists to work as they try to make sense of a cryptic, boneless theme. Sometimes, everything works perfectly—peep Diddy going priest mode in a Derek Roche-styled fit at the Catholicism-themed 2018 edition. Other times, shit simply does not work. Last year, for the America-themed Gala, AOC absolutely bombed in a white Brother Vellies dress that read “Tax the Rich” in big red letters. I understand the sentiment, but damn, she could’ve freaked it at least a little bit! Such is the cycle of life for the Met Gala—sometimes shit pops, sometimes shit tries to pop but winds up exploding instead.
This year certainly was no different, and after receiving numerous requests from inquiring minds, I’ve decided that it would be unfair if I didn’t bless the world with my takes on the fits of the Gilded Age-themed 2022 Met Gala, co-chaired by fashion icons like Blake Lively, Ryan Reynolds, Regina King, and…Lin-Manuel Miranda?? Of course, take my opinions with a grain of salt—I only wear black and earth-tone clothing—but I swear I’ve got the gift. I just know what reaction a fit deserves, whether it’s a heater or a beater.
For the sake of this exercise, I will assign one of two designations—pump or dump—to each fit assessed and will also provide a brief explanation for each designation. Interpret either as you’d like to interpret. If you disagree, bang my line, but I guarantee that you don't want a piece of this. Without further ado, I present to you: Pump or Dump: Met Gala 2022!
Pete “Skete” Davidson and Kim “Kim” Kardashian
Dump. America’s sweetheart Pete Davidson is looking like he’s about to hit the Chili’s after his sister’s first communion. His grandmother told him he was dressed to the nines in that double-breasted Dior Men masterclass of a suit, and that’s got to count for something! As for Kim, I am not sure what to say. Her look isn’t really looking like it’s from the Gilded Age (ca. 1870-1900)—not poofy enough—but it certainly looks expensive!
(I am told that this dress was famously worn by Marilyn Monroe and that Kim lost sixteen pounds to wear it. I’m not bothered by this because, regardless if you agree with her wearing it, the fact that it’s Marilyn Monroe’s dress does not make it Gilded Age swag.)
Nicki Minaj
Dump. I don’t remember Gilded Age icon Rutherford B. Hayes wearing a leather baseball hat, but respect!
Stormzy
Pump. Come on now! This man is coming very period correct in a Burberry cloak and suit. Diesel. He looks like how I imagine Otto Von Bismarck to have looked when hitting the town with his lady, like a weird Dracula transported into The American Cloak and Suit Review. Gas. Absolutely fitted.
Leslie Odom Junior
Dump. Well, he gets points for shooting in the general direction of the theme—big ups—but it would appear that our hero is wearing *checks notes* a tire on his head. What do I know, though? It’s a Fendi Mens tire, so maybe this is actually a pump? Under further review at the moment.
Erykah Badu and Francisco Risso
Pump. As a matter of fact, this photograph was shot by a professional photographer who got paid to shoot photographs at the Met Gala. Anyway, fuck the Gilded Age! Fuck 1890! We rocking with 2090 now, and Miss Badu and Mister Risso are living, breathing proof in a couple of truly strange outfits by Marni.
SZA
Dump. She’s damn close to the theme, but a wood-print Vivienne Westwood dress just shouldn’t have been done. She’s looking like a character retrofitted into Nana. (For the record, I’ve not seen Nana and probably never will, but I’m still hip.)
Gunna
Pump. My friend Gunna is having one hell of a year: he invented a TikTok sensation that refuses to die, revived a long dead Pucci house, and is now wearing a Thom Brown cape and carrying around a purse that appears to be a bedazzled dachshund. Well done.
Odell Beckham Junior
Dump. Doggy bone stuck in the CPFM blender, might never make it home.
Kylie Jenner
Dump. Another high-fashion baseball hat at this function? What gives! The Off White dress certainly is poofy, but it certainly is not Gilded. Rest in peace to Virgil Abloh, though—he’s the reason why I listen to “JAZZ” music.
Jack Harlow
Okay, I take back what I said about Pete Davidson; he looks nice. Pump. Jack Harlow? Dump. It is him that looks like he’s about to be showered with compliments at the Chili’s after his sister’s first communion for being such a handsome little devil in his double-breasted Givenchy masterclass of a suit.
David Lauren
Pump. Hell yes. He gets it. The Denim Gawd himself (presumably wearing some line from Ralph Lauren) really outdid the competition. He went crazy with it. Business up top, party below the belt. Rock on, brother.
Kodi Smit-McPhee
Dump. You can’t touch the Denim Gawd, not even if you’re wearing the new Bottega Veneta. Nope, no way. Can’t be done. Simply can’t.
Kourtney Kardashian and Travis Barker
Dump. Hm. We Got It From Here… Thank You 4 Your Service, Thom Browne.
Sebastian Stan
Pump. Not sure what he’s going for because it is neither gilded nor is it aged, but it is insane. I wish he would have dressed up like Tommy Lee instead, but as the old adage goes, beggars cannot be choosers!
Brooklyn Beckham
Dump. Nicely done, Valentino—not one thing about either of them screams “Gilded Age.” Extremely brazen, shockingly swaggy and wack.
Cara Delevingne
Dump. An extremely literal take on the theme, no? Great commitment to the bit, though. Even her feet are gilded.
Questlove
Pump. This guy doesn’t give a flying phuck, dog. He wears a variation on the same outfit (read: weirdly long outerwear) to every red carpet event, theme or no theme, and he certainly didn’t switch up this time, staying true to himself in a ZEGNA suit-trench coat-duster.
Irina Shayk
No comment. I get it. The Sturgis Motorcycle Rally is on the horizon, and Irina Shayk got her dates mixed up. These things happen! Beginning of May, beginning of August—it’s an honest mistake. Hopefully she doesn’t roll up to the actual Rally in a gown. Now that would be a silly mistake.
Stephen Jones and Amy Fine Collins
Pump. I’m not exactly sure who these people are, but they might actually be from the Gilded Age. Great work, Thom Browne. You must be tired from dressing the entire celebrity biome. Go take a nap.
Evan Mock
Dump. He’s got Head of State and Louboutin, yet certified-LAME Evan Mock still looks like a weird Gaston from Beauty and the Beast. For me, not so much.
Franklin Leonard
Pump. So much respect for this fellow. This suit is actually by Thom Browne as well. Sike!
Pull off in a Tonka, yeah, this a big body, big body, big body / Pull off in a Tonka, yeah, this a big body, big body, big body, big body, big body / If everybody could get lit just like this, then they would and they wouldn't even tell nothin' about it / Say it again for the kids that just doubted.
Kieran Culkin
To wrap things up, here’s a horribly out-of-place Kieran Culkin in a suit by Dior and sneakers (also by Dior). I wonder where his brothers are? Must’ve been busy. (To be clear, this is a Dump.)
NO OLDTIMERS VI IS UPON US ——— GET IN OR GET LEFT BEHIND
⬇️ Comment below ⬇️
Loved it, you're on!
Great commentary. Two especially crucial takes: (1) Sebastian’s pink ensemble was brilliant in its nonchalant disregard of the theme (2) Time to banish Evan Mock to dungeon.