Shitty Dudes Convention

Three fellas that would’ve made the Timothée Chalamet Meet-Up more enjoyable

---

Something is so fucking rich about there being an alleged instance of police brutality (highly doubt it!) at the Timothée Chalamet Lookalike Contest in NYC on Sunday. I mean, come on! A bunch of twinkie white men caused enough of a scene upon the arrival of the ackshual Timothée Chalamet that the police had to get involved and they thought that they were brolic enough to stand up to said NYPD officers? That is so sick. Too funny, man. The whole thing reeks of transplants who want to “make their mark” on the city, so end up participating in some wack shit like this.

Anyway, there are plenty of unwell white men who could pass for Timothée Chalamet in any given major city; the only requirements are to look sad, watch niche arthouse films, wear either an A24 cap or carry a New Yorker tote bag, and be thin-on-the-outside-fat-on-the-inside (TOFI). The number of viable candidates is probably in the millions, but there are three dudes who could’ve made this lookalike meet-up/contest infinitely cooler.

Gucci Pineapple (TikTok)

I have no idea what this fool’s name actually is, and I don’t plan on finding out anytime soon. He certainly fits the criteria for guys who could pass as TChal—small, sinewy, and smug about his tastes and preferences, solely because someone simply told him that he “looks” like Tim. Regardless, Gucci Pineapple would bring a vibe that these overly dedicated lookalikes could never. He’s a true blue, dyed-in-the-wool weirdo with the edge of an extremely PC loose cannon. He’s the type of dude that will say anything, and any onlookers would be mildly put off by his presence. They’d still rock with him, though. The only real issue is that he appears to be a bit…furry, based on his intense unibrow and well-manicured mouser, something that Timbo is not. No matter! The contest needed a guy like him. I’m sure he was missed.

P.S. I think that they should’ve casted HIM to play Bob Dylan in the biopic, but what do I know?

Jimin (BTS)

Jimin, BTS’s glorified backup dancer and enterprising solo act, would’ve slotted right into the Washington Square Park event, and he would have provided some much needed diversity to the lineup of contestants. Do I actually think he looks anything like Trigger Tim? No. I don’t. But I do think that he would have come correct in terms of vibe and swagger. He’s assuredly not the most fun or interesting guy to have at a function like this, but he would add some much needed star power. Plus, just look at him! I don’t know. Maybe I’m totally misunderstanding Jimin. Just give him a chance to shine for once in his life! He needs it more than you realize.

Robert Downey Jr. (Movies)

We saw what RDJ did in Tropic Thunder, so we can only imagine what he would’ve done at the Timothée Chalamet lookalike contest! Downey, famous for his transformation from boyish cokehead to semi-respected elder statesman, could be exactly what the doctor ordered. A sufficiently masculine dude playing a waifish twink who so badly wants to be the big man on campus would be incredible, and his role in the aforementioned Tropic Thunder is proof that he has the chops. Based on his current look and overall vibe, though, he’d probably need a wig, intense makeup, and a set of contact lenses, but RDJ has overcome larger obstacles in the past. This would be a cakewalk.

Just some food for thought.