The Way-Too-Late-But-Nonetheless-Much-Needed Grammy Coverage

The 65th Annual Grammy Awards came and went on the fifth of February, and nobody even noticed. Well, they might have, but there was nothing noteworthy enough for me to make a timely write-up at least. I guess that tells you all that you need to know! Let’s be bad, though, and take a look at what went down and then decide what we’re jacking or whacking. As a treat! You all are smart, young, and educated, so I shouldn’t have to tell you what each means.

Madonna finally unveils a new…face?

Michigan LEGEND Madonna has not dropped anything major since 2019’s Madame X, but this broad has staying power and she knows how to wield it! Whether it’s for dropping an epic kiss on Drake at Coachella in 2015, sporting a bedazzled eye patch to promote the aforementioned album, her son Rocco’s antics, or her most recent boytoy, Madonna is constantly hitting the news cycle. This Grammys season was no different, though she doesn’t seem exactly thrilled about it.

Madonna is, unfortunately for everyone involved, catching some serious heat for her “apparently” concerning new countenance. The renowned (and reviled) New York Post has described it as both “an eyesore and a complete betrayal,” and I literally can’t believe it. After years and years of plastic surgery and other foolery from Madonna, this is what makes the people talk? Shame on them. To show support, I’m jacking the new face and whacking the haters. Thank me later, Madge.

Not this guy again…

Trevor Noah hosted the 65th Annual Grammy Awards again. He has hosted seemingly every Grammy Award show since at least 2012. I very well could be wrong about that, but this fool is omnipresent. Regardless, here’s a message for Mr. Noah, written from the heart: it’s time to let someone else emcee, presenting-hog!

Trevor Noah at the 2023 Grammys | See Every Head-Turning Arrival at the 2023 Grammys | POPSUGAR Fashion Photo 26 — Such a swagless **HACK**

It just makes my blood boil! Whacking. Anyway,

Turnstile turns up empty-handed

We are absolutely jacking this!

Turnstile was nominated for Best Rock Song (huh?), Best Rock Performance (huh??), and Best Metal Performance (HUH???), and they probably should’ve won at least one of these. As a long, long, loooong time (and for now, former) fan, I wish them all the success in the world, but do I really want them to be Grammy winners? Honestly, a little, teeny, tiny bit. It would be awesome for a band with hardcore-rooted DNA to win a Grammy. Though most of me wants them to cool it on the crossover attempt. Stick to the soft hardcore music and continue to take over the world. There’s no need to pull a Blink-182 heel turn.

Turnstile: What does a Hardcore Band Wear to the Grammys? | GQ — *What could’ve been…*

Regardless, the band doesn’t need a Grammy. In fact, their loss gives me a modicum of hope that they might drop some wildcat, mad dog shit like Step to Rhythm again. They (probably) won’t, but a boy can dream.

This is all Blood Orange’s fault.

While we’re here, peep this video that features some of the homies absolutely humbling themselves at the Turnstile show in Salt Lake City back in late October.* I truly wish I were there, but ultimately I’m glad I wasn’t. Mark my words—these videos will be the downfall of Turnstile.

*Jump to 3:53 to observe the homies in their element.

The Harry Styles Hate Parade

Harry Styles is damn near as big as they come. In fact, I hear that he and SIR Elton John even share a tailor! That’s great! But Mr. Styles has long been a certified lame in my mind, and now his time of reckoning has come. Jacking it.

Everything about his Grammys appearances has come under fire, from his abhorrent playsuit and his despicable tattoos (see the one under his pecs) to his boring music and his wack-ass performance. This isn’t just the fall-off we wanted; it’s the one we deserve. This man needs to learn from Zayn and alienate his fanbase, get out of the spotlight, and just lay low for a while. It’ll do wonders.

The Sartorial Jacks and Whacks of the Red Carpet

Machine Gun Kelly’s Coke Nail

Great continuity in the hers-and-his nails. Too bad the bond of the matching nails was not enough. Regardless, jacking.

Angela Simmons: The Headlights to Yo Gotti’s Deer

This is the first time I’ve ever seen the fruit of the labor of “Down in the DM,” and Yo Gotti is looking shocked. Congratulations, Yo! But you still suck. Whacking.

The Bedazzled Glitz and Glam of Moneybagg Yo

In the words of Father John Misty, “Disappointing diamonds are the rarest of them all.” Jacking.

Throwback Fashion Corner

Nelly is looking very swag era in a velvet vest and matching shirt and pants. Whacking.

Fat Joe Puts that Shit On…

…for the pear-shaped men of the world! He’s giving Questlove a run for his money with this one. Regardless, whacking.

Tales from the Crypt Part I

Smokey Robinson and Frances Gladney are hanging on by a thread, and god damn it, they look great doing it! Jacking.

Tales from the Crypt Part II

Amber Rose in 2023? Happy to see she has stuck around! Anyway, Whacking.

Children of the Corn

Who the hell are Domi and JD Beck???? No friends of mine, that’s for certain. Whacking.

Rapid-fire Whackings

If I dwell much longer on the Grammys, I might become ill. So, I will now hit a rapid-fire whack off.

The “50 Years of Hip-Hop” celebration did not include Lil Yachty, Krispylife Kid, RMC Mike, Babyface Ray, Rio Da Yung OG, DC2Trill, and Icewear Vezzo’s foul-mouthed, Carlo-produced big boy, tiny puffer anthem “Royal Rumble''—shame on them.
“About Damn Time” was only released in 2022??
The verbal gymnastics involved in distinguishing Song of the Year and Record of the Year
Beyonce’s nomination for Best Dance/Electronic album
The weak beef between Chris Brown and Robert Glasper
“The Heart Part 5” by Kendrick Lamar winning Best Rap Song and Best Rap Performance over DJ Khaled’s instant classic, “God Did.”
Lin-Manuel Miranda’s presence…

WHEW—I’m out.

No Oldtimers

NOTS VII