From Loved to Loathed to Loved Again

What to get your girlfriend who hates you for Valentine’s Day

Feb 10, 2025

I am blessed with an amazing, beautiful, and, most importantly, cool girlfriend! But I shouldn’t brag. Many men are not so blessed. Many have girlfriends, boyfriends, significant others, husbands, wives, partners, and other what-have-yous who indeed love them but don’t always like them.

It’s a tale as old as time. You’ve been with your girl for somewhere between six months and two years. The so-called honeymoon phase of puppy love either just ended or is about to end. Your girl is spending more and more time with you. She might even live with you. Shit seems cool, right?

Wrong.

As you’ve been enjoying her company, she’s been stockpiling reasons to be repulsed by you.

You’re getting fat.
You’re a graphic designer who works from your bedroom yet continues to drop big chicken on deadstock workwear.
We never do anything.
You waste too much time arguing with “lames” on Twitter.
I hate your 2003 Lexus GX 460 with a three-inch lift kit and plasti-dipped rims.
You have too much joie de vivre.
Your music's too loud and too trash.
You’re bad at cooking Asian-inspired dishes.
You don’t want to get a dog.
You’re obsessed with running into the gas station for a snack.
Your friends are stinky, gross, and dumb, and I know you’d rather hang out with them than me.
I hate Brain Dead and their boxy t-shirts that you insist on buying even though they fit like shit.

Really, this is your girl projecting her own insecurities onto you, but that’s neither here nor there.

If you want to change her attitude without changing your ways, now’s the time. Valentine’s Day (Friday, the 14th of February, for the unaware) is right around the corner. You have the power to flip the script, but you’ll need to freak it. Follow my lead, and you’ll be back in her good graces in no time.

First, get a reservation at a semi-nice restaurant. You don’t want to go to some place that has a real dress-code, but you do want to find one that requires you and your girl to elevate your typical wear. A mid-tier Asian restaurant will do the trick (Thai, Japanese, Vietnamese, Laotian, Nepalese, Korean, doesn’t matter). You can still wear your favorite cooked-ass, wide-body foam-front trucker hat with the rope and your Pass-Port relaxed fit denim, but you will want to flick on some jewelry — a modest chain, maybe a ring or two — and an open-collar button down shirt that has been carefully mismatched to your finest novelty t-shirt.

Second, find a piece of paper (any size, shape, or color will do) and an envelope and get to writing a true-to-yourself, heartfelt letter of love. This step is crucial. Any Joe can get a reservation — it takes a man to scratch his feelings onto the pristine white of the A5 that you just pulled from the printer. Maybe draw a cute little doodle of you and your girl chilling on the couch. I don’t know, just make sure you pull out all the stops. If you don’t have any paper or an envelope, grow up a little and go get some! While you’re at it, go ahead and buy some flowers, too. I like Baby’s Breath in bulk, but know thyself. Wait, no, not this. Know thy girl.

Third and finally, hit the online marketplace. You can buy literally anything, so why don’t you take a moment and think about something that your girl will really enjoy. Need help? I’ve got you. Peep game and pick two.

Option One: Ariana Grande’s new fragrance trio: Vanilla Suede, Angels Kiss, and Pink Woods

Listen, regardless of the opinions that you hold, women fuck with Ariana Grande. They might not actually like her, but for some reason, they respect her. They can’t help but know her every move, from cheating on her man with the dude who plays SpongeBob SquarePants on Broadway (who was cheating on his girl!) to playing second fiddle to Cynthia Erivo on the Wicked press tour. In your girl’s eyes and in spite of Ari’s transgressions, she can do no wrong, so it only makes sense that you can do no wrong buying your girl Ari’s new scents!

Option Two: One ticket to your local small-to-medium market NBA game

Listen, if your girl hates you, there’s no better gift than the gift of peace and tranquility! Get out of her hair and take your ass to a small-market NBA game, preferably a bottom- or mid-table dweller like the Pistons, Hornets, Pelicans, or Jazz. You’ll enjoy some okay-to-terrible hoops, and your girl will enjoy concocting a “harmless” emotional affair with her favorite busted-ass character from the 300+ page book that she’s been meaning to finish.

Option Three: One six pack of Bean Flicker Coffee Blonde Ale by Odd Side Brewing

Listen, what’s understood doesn’t need to be explained. Trust me.

Option Four: Old Order Turbo Lite x Hello Kitty (either in Scarlet Red or Copper Brown)

Listen, there are two universal truths: 1) girls love footwear. 2) Girls love the Sanrio extended universe. Get some EASY brownie points by combining these infatuations by copping your girl the Old Order Turbo Lite x Hello Kitty collaboration, either in Sonic the Hedgehog’s Shoe Red or Steampunk Brown! Think of these suckers as elevated Onitsuka Tigers.

Option Five: Two tickets to the Oasis reunion tour (any stop)

Listen, girls love doing shit that they have no interest in with their men! It’s like letting them see the world through your eyes. Like, she’d rather tap into some Eusexua-era Twigs (burnt) or Panda Bear x Nourished by Time (turnt), but she claims to “love seeing you in your bag doing the shit that you like to do.” Plus, if she already hates you, you might as well buy her some sort of experience that YOU want to do! What better experience than bearing witness to the recently-reunited Oasis live in concert! She won’t like it, but all of your boys will think you’re the man!

You can thank me later. Ciao!

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